To Grieve or Not to Grieve, That is the Question!

 If you were given the choice between diving into the darkest depths of the ocean, fully equipped with all of the gear needed to handle whatever you might encounter, OR being slowly dragged down by an 80-pound anchor while you flailed frantically to keep your head above water, which would you choose?

Well, when it’s put that way, I’d have to choose diving into the depths. Grief is a lot like plunging into the depths of a dark unknown ocean. When we plunge into grief, we fear we will never resurface. So we choose instead to frantically tread water while lugging an 80-pound anchor that slowly drags us to the very place we were trying to avoid. How ridiculous is that?

Last year, I had a very important friendship end. I chose to dive right into the darkness of my grief and bawl my eyes out! I was pathetic. I cried in front of everyone I encountered and even cried during a presentation I gave about, of all things, sharing and being open about one’s grief. I was literally a sobbing mess for eight days. As I look back, I realize it took a lot of courage to allow myself to express how I was feeling. I was honest and shared my sadness with an open heart. Then a funny thing happened. The crying stopped and I felt light and free.

If I had chosen to pretend that I was fine or tried to repress my grief, kicking wildly with that anchor chained to my legs in an attempt to keep my head above water, I would have been dragged down into the darkness anyway. My heart and soul would have been battered and exhausted. I am certain that I would still be sad had I tried to fight my grief. But I chose to dive into the depths, trusting that I had the gear I needed to face what had to be faced. Including taking responsibility for my part in creating the circumstances that ended the friendship and understanding that I wasn’t a victim. As a result, I became stronger and light enough to resurface quickly. It was a very empowering experience.

I am using a minor loss in order to give you a simple illustration. I know that major losses are complex and more difficult to face, but the same principle applies. In July of 2004, my brother died, five months later, my infant daughter died as well. It was as if my soul knew that the two losses combined were more than I could handle, so I put fully grieving the loss of my brother on hold. It took a great deal of energy just to get through the day and I felt heavy and tired all the time. The blocked sadness also blocked my ability to experience love and joy to the fullest.

On the third year anniversary of my brother’s death, it hit me: my brother was gone. That is when I began to really process my grief. I dove in by writing, reading and sharing about my loss. It’s been six years and I have just begun to resurface. I am sure people thought, “Honestly, it’s been years, shouldn’t she be over it by now?” I can’t help but wonder if I hadn’t put my sadness about my brother on hold and given myself the time to grieve, would I have been able to resurface sooner? My guess is yes. My energy started returning just this week! I am starting to feel more love and joy in my everyday life more than ever before. Having processed my grief doesn’t mean I won’t continue to miss my brother, my baby and even my friend, but as long as I allow myself to feel my sadness and let it come up and out, I will continue to be empowered.

Do not be afraid to dive into your grief. Get the tools and support you need to work through your sadness and you will avoid a lifetime spent in darkness fighting to get to the light. If you need support or would like to learn more about the tools needed to effectively process your grief, please contact me by email or phone. I would be honored to be your spiritual grief companion. You, too, deserve to live a life filled with energy, love and joy.

Enough is Enough

“Mourners at Rutgers University honored the memory of Tyler Clementi, whose death last week was the fifth suicide by a gay teenager in the last three weeks. Seth Walsh, a 13-year-old in Tehachapi, Calif., hanged himself from a tree in his backyard last month and died after more than a week on life support.” ~ New York Times

I try not to get angry on a blog that is supposed to be spiritual in nature, but I am beside myself. What is it going to take for people to STOP teaching hate? How many children and teens have to die before we wake up?

Religious leaders, politicians and parents who know, love or support gays and lesbians, to you I say, “thank you and God bless you.” You have no idea how important your role is in today’s society. You might think to yourself, “I am just one person, how can I have that much of an effect on other people?”

It only took one or two people hating, teasing and bullying to drive five gay youths to take their own lives in the last three weeks alone. One or two people’s teasing, bullying and harassment created such a hostile environment that these children saw no other way out of the torture than to kill themselves.

If you are a religious leader, politician, or parent supporting anti-gay policies like “Proposition 8,” “Defense of Marriage Act” and “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,” don’t fool yourself into thinking that these laws, beliefs or policies are simply defending marriage or protecting our servicemen.  On the contrary, these laws give people the impression that gays and lesbians have less value and don’t deserve the same rights or respect as every other human being, therefore, bullying, degradation and harassment are tolerated.

If five children of any particular race or religion had committed suicide because of bullying or harassment in just three weeks time, people would be outraged. It’s time to be outraged! I believe in free speech, absolutely, 100%. But you are absolutely, 100% responsible for the good and the harm caused by exercising your right to speak your mind.

So please, I am begging you to set aside your “beliefs” and use your words responsibly. Use your words to spread love, compassion and empathy and just for a moment, imagine if it was your child that had been driven to suicide by hateful words. Regardless of your beliefs, choose to speak out against hate.

I See Dead People

So I got a new job since my last post and I had an unbelievable first night of training. I am working at Mission Hospital in Asheville, North Carolina as a Family Support Liaison in the Pastoral Care Department. Part of my training involved “shadowing” the hospital chaplain but I’ll get to that in a moment.

Much of my life’s work has been about death and this job isn’t any different. Essentially, my job is to support family members of patients who are potential organ donors. What that means is that the patient is either brain dead or has such severe brain damage the heart won’t work on its own. It’s pretty heavy stuff but it’s well suited for me as a spiritual grief counselor.

About my training. There were three deaths during my first five-hour shift and two deaths during my next five-hour shift.  If I am at the hospital, you can pretty much count on the fact that there will be at least two deaths per shift. I was beginning to feel a bit like the Grim Reaper himself. Oddly enough, none of the other trainees had experienced the kinds of emergencies and deaths that I had during their training. 

That first night, there was a tragic accident that took the life of a young girl. When the chaplain told the family the devastating news, the father exploded in violence and started punching the wall about five inches from my head resulting in a very large hole in the wall and a very shaky me. 

I experienced first-hand the harm our culture has done to bereaved men. Men aren't supposed to cry and as a result the first emotion a man expresses is anger. I am teaching my son that it is safe and acceptable to express all emotions, including empathy and sadness. I’ve learned another very valuable lesson and that is that having a sense of humor is critical in doing this kind of work and is very healing.

To be honest, while I am maintaining a sense of humor, I am not sure how long I will be able to do this job. I have witnessed so much sorrow and so many freakish accidents leading to death. When I take my son miniature golfing at Tropical Gardens, the rocks and bricks that make up the beautiful landscape represent head injuries to me now. I am constantly saying, “Careful, punkin’!” Would it be wrong to have him sleep with a helmet on even though his bed is only five inches off the ground?

I am reminded daily how valuable life is and how important it is to tell people what they mean to me. If you are reading this, I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, I am grateful for your existence. Whether I have known you, or we’ve never met, you are extremely valuable and my prayer for you is that you live every moment choosing love, humor, empathy and forgiveness.

My prayer for all of us is that we strive to live to our highest potential, giving God and each other the very best that we have to offer. And please don’t forget to wear your helmet, even if you are just checking your email.

“The Elephant also shall dwell with the Donkey… And a little child shall lead them.” – Isaiah 11:6 (New Gabrielle Michel Version)

Last week I attended The Compassionate Friends National Conference and presented a workshop called “How to Survive the Loss of an Infant.” The workshop was a huge success but that is not the point of this post.

The Compassionate Friends is a bereavement and support group for parents who have lost a child of any age. Grandparents and siblings are becoming a large part of this group and are given support as well. I met so many different and wonderful people, with virtually nothing else in common. We were all brought together because we shared the experience of losing of a child, sibling and/or grandchild.

On the eve of my last night at the conference, I went to the candle lighting ceremony and banquet. We were all assigned tables in advance, and since I knew I hadn’t been seated with any of my new friends, I was a bit apprehensive.

The woman to my left and I struck up a conversation. In such a short period of time, I felt a deep connection with her and asked her about her loss. She told me that one of her sons had been murdered, and another son, devastated by this loss, took his own life. We exchanged condolences after I told her about Cindy’s and my miscarriage, and the deaths of my brother and Cindy’s and my daughter.

If you think that conversation could bring a room down, just wait! The conversation turned to the economy and “Duhn, duhn, DUHN!”(musical effect before a horror is about to be revealed)… Obama’s stimulus package. To say that we are on complete opposite ends of the political spectrum would be a total understatement.

I had a very clear choice to argue, OR to just ask questions and listen. Being pro-choice and all, I chose to ask questions and listen. I asked her what she thought about everything from the BP oil spill to health care reform. At first glance, I knew we were diametrically (I almost typed “diabolically,” Freud would have a field day) opposed on virtually every issue, but I decided to go deeper.

As I listened, I began to understand where she was coming from, and surprisingly, as I spoke, I felt heard. At one point, I think I said, “So would you consider yourself conservative?” To which she replied “VERY! I love Glenn Beck.” If I weren’t a minister, I might say I hate Glenn Beck. Aw heck, who am I fooling? I hate Glenn Beck! Under “normal” circumstances, I would have judged her, instead I loved this very conservative, Glenn Beck-loving woman.

“Well, I am a bleeding-heart liberal,” I gleefully said, “and I am thoroughly enjoying getting to know you.” Then I took a big risk. I asked her what her thoughts were on gay and lesbian rights. Here’s where it gets interesting, folks. She said, in an adamant tone, “I think they should have the same rights as a heterosexual couple. My youngest son is gay and should have the same rights I have.”

I began to understand why God sat me next to this wonderful mother. You see, underneath all of our so-called politics, we are all human beings. We were two mothers bonded by the loss of our children, and our grief broke down the walls that politics and religion tend to build. I challenge all of us to break down these divisive walls and come together as human beings. If we just take a moment to get to know each other, listen to each other, we might find a deeper level on which to connect.

I will no longer judge an elephant by its thick skin. After all, I don’t want to make a complete donkey of myself!

What do a hysterectomy, losing one of your best friends to a ridiculously stupid misunderstanding and walking on fire have in common?

The first answer is that they all happened to me in the last 3 months. Another answer is that they all have the potential to be extremely painful, leaving lasting scars. Finally, the one you’d think would be the most painful was the least painful, and the one that you’d think was the least painful ended up being the most painful.

My hysterectomy was painful but the constant pain I was in before I had it done was worse. It’s a big relief not to be in constant physical pain anymore… at least in my uterus.

While recovering from my surgery, during my hormonal insanity phase, one of my dearest friends decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. Honestly, I never could have imagined how painful that could be. Way more painful than a hysterectomy, but I could only guess it wouldn’t be as painful as walking on fire. I was wrong!

I went to a spiritual retreat in an attempt to heal all of me and I walked on fire! That’s right, I walked on 6 feet of 1,200-degree, red-hot, burning coals. We were told NOT to look at the coals while walking across and NOT to look at our feet for 24 hours. We were to keep our eyes on the “catchers,” the people at the end of the coals waiting to catch you and help you step into a bucket of water. It felt like walking on a soft warm cushion of cotton balls, didn’t hurt one bit! My athlete’s foot was completely healed and the experience changed the way I see life. First of all, I will never buy cream for athlete’s foot! Walking on fire is much cheaper and works immediately! *** Disclaimer – I hope I don’t have to actually say “Don’t try this at home!” Fire-walking is NOT approved by the FDA to treat foot fungus! ***

Seriously though, if I can walk on fire without getting burned, I can do anything I choose! Except bring my uterus back and heal my friendship and that is the part that really hurts. There are things in life over which we have no control. There are lessons we are meant to learn and we each have a destiny. I don’t mean pre-destination, but rather, a purpose. We can choose to follow our purpose joyfully, we can go kicking and screaming, or we can ignore our purpose all together. I am sure there are people that do just that. I have often imagined people, after they have died, standing at the “pearly gates” and when Saint Peter goes over their life, they let out a loud, Homer Simpson-esque “DOH!”

As we go through life, and encounter difficulties and initiations, we are forever changed. And change can either wreck us or help us evolve spiritually, emotionally and mentally. When you walk through fire, there is no going back, and there is definitely no stopping in the middle. That is when it’s critical to keep your eyes on God, much like I had to keep my eyes on my “catchers.”

Let me be clear; keeping my eyes on God isn’t always easy and it takes discipline and practice. But no matter what your spiritual path is, you can use the teachings to help keep you focused. Meditation is very effective, but not just silent meditation, it must be contemplative in nature and bring you closer to your heart. When we come from love in our hearts, we make better choices and feel better about ourselves and our lives.

Try this exercise: Take a deep breath and acknowledge exactly how you feel, then shift your focus to a very strong memory that connects you to love and your heart. Make sure you really feel it in your body. Breathe that love into your heart and out of your solar plexus. That’s right, I said blow it out your solar plexus! Do this for a few minutes, then re-examine how you feel. Coming from your “heart intelligence” will give you an entirely different perspective on any issue you may be dealing with. Try it! I’d love to hear your experiences.