Last week I attended The Compassionate Friends National Conference and presented a workshop called “How to Survive the Loss of an Infant.” The workshop was a huge success but that is not the point of this post.
The Compassionate Friends is a bereavement and support group for parents who have lost a child of any age. Grandparents and siblings are becoming a large part of this group and are given support as well. I met so many different and wonderful people, with virtually nothing else in common. We were all brought together because we shared the experience of losing of a child, sibling and/or grandchild.
On the eve of my last night at the conference, I went to the candle lighting ceremony and banquet. We were all assigned tables in advance, and since I knew I hadn’t been seated with any of my new friends, I was a bit apprehensive.
The woman to my left and I struck up a conversation. In such a short period of time, I felt a deep connection with her and asked her about her loss. She told me that one of her sons had been murdered, and another son, devastated by this loss, took his own life. We exchanged condolences after I told her about Cindy’s and my miscarriage, and the deaths of my brother and Cindy’s and my daughter.
If you think that conversation could bring a room down, just wait! The conversation turned to the economy and “Duhn, duhn, DUHN!”(musical effect before a horror is about to be revealed)… Obama’s stimulus package. To say that we are on complete opposite ends of the political spectrum would be a total understatement.
I had a very clear choice to argue, OR to just ask questions and listen. Being pro-choice and all, I chose to ask questions and listen. I asked her what she thought about everything from the BP oil spill to health care reform. At first glance, I knew we were diametrically (I almost typed “diabolically,” Freud would have a field day) opposed on virtually every issue, but I decided to go deeper.
As I listened, I began to understand where she was coming from, and surprisingly, as I spoke, I felt heard. At one point, I think I said, “So would you consider yourself conservative?” To which she replied “VERY! I love Glenn Beck.” If I weren’t a minister, I might say I hate Glenn Beck. Aw heck, who am I fooling? I hate Glenn Beck! Under “normal” circumstances, I would have judged her, instead I loved this very conservative, Glenn Beck-loving woman.
“Well, I am a bleeding-heart liberal,” I gleefully said, “and I am thoroughly enjoying getting to know you.” Then I took a big risk. I asked her what her thoughts were on gay and lesbian rights. Here’s where it gets interesting, folks. She said, in an adamant tone, “I think they should have the same rights as a heterosexual couple. My youngest son is gay and should have the same rights I have.”
I began to understand why God sat me next to this wonderful mother. You see, underneath all of our so-called politics, we are all human beings. We were two mothers bonded by the loss of our children, and our grief broke down the walls that politics and religion tend to build. I challenge all of us to break down these divisive walls and come together as human beings. If we just take a moment to get to know each other, listen to each other, we might find a deeper level on which to connect.
I will no longer judge an elephant by its thick skin. After all, I don’t want to make a complete donkey of myself!
